Happy Monday, folks. See, I'm staying on schedule so far. Also of note, two posts in and I have a schedule! Hooray progress!

I had a lot of thoughts about what to write about today. Originally, I was going to write an essay about how I watch sports more "intellectually" now, probably because I spend all day listening to sports talk radio, reading ESPN and SI columnists, and having a class or two that took on sports on a more academic level. But, a few paragraphs in I decided that was more "musing" than essay material. I did have another thought of what to write after that, but then a potential job working with the IT department of Montgomery County came up, and I got all excited and sent in all my information there. Keep your fingers crossed for me, if the pay is anything close to what I'm making now I'm jumping in with both feet.

But, then I went to the IGA, where you can never be in and out without seeing somebody you know. Or I can't, anyway. When I was a bit younger, you could blow by people with a simple hi, but everybody wants to chat now. I don't necessarily mind this, I would probably love to have pretty long conversations with most of these people. I love picking minds, discovering viewpoints and rationales. I guess it's one of those "self-discovery" things. Kind of like this blog is quickly turning out to be.

I notice, though, and this is not the first time, that I so easily and quickly revert back to whatever kind of relationship I had with these people in high school. I suppose that's true of college, too, but I keep in reasonable contact with the more important ones. I think, though, that the college friends are a bit different. They knew me at a happy place in my life, the social prime of my life, the me that I most like being. Slipping into the me they knew in college makes everybody happy, and so it's easy not to dwell on it. It just feels more natural. Those I knew in high school, though, knew somebody who was living a more. . .uncomfortable life. Allow me to explain. It took me a while to come up with that word, so I want to fully explore it's meaning.

High school for me, as it is for a lot of people, was an awkward time. I didn't feel like I fit in with most of those around me. I felt like I was on the fringe of a few different cliques, but never fully immersed in them. I had a couple of close friends, but, maybe tellingly, they quickly drifted away once I came to Wabash. I spent most of my time cooped up at home because I didn't feel there was a reason to go out. There wasn't much I was interested in. Later I spent a lot of time with Kristine, but that was pretty much it. In some sense, I had some contempt for Covington. I didn't feel I belonged, didn't feel like the people around me much cared for me, and I didn't much care for them. Not anything nasty. I wouldn't even say there was dislike there. Just a lack of caring. Everybody else was interested in doing high school things, I was interested in playing my video games and trawling the internet until it was time to flee to the next stage.

Looking back on it now, through the eyes of others (as best I can, anyway), I'm sure I was thought of as weird. Not to the level of outcast, it's not like nobody would ever talk to me, but I'm sure I seemed a little off. Cold and distant, I'm sure. Those last two are especially true. I knew that at the time. I built up some pretty big barriers, I let few in because it just didn't seem worth the effort. And, from my end, I suppose it didn't feel like most put in the effort. I also think that some take my sarcasm and smart-assed remarks much, much more seriously than I ever intended. My college friends have the same sense of humor, they got it. High school classmates, maybe not as much. Just added to that cold exterior.

Well, I'm glad that background information didn't take on a life of it's own or anything. Here's the big summary. I went to Wabash, and my social life did a complete turnaround. I made a ton of friends, I joined a ton of clubs, I was known and well-regarded on campus. I was approachable, I was a mentor. I was the me that was always behind that exterior. Now, I am back in Covington, and the shell is rebuilding, maybe rebuilt.

I guess I have known this now. I'll occasionally go to the bar with my mom, and there are usually classmates in there. I feel myself tighten. I go back into my scared little boy mode where I am intimidated, assuming they still see the weird shut off kid. So, I act like it. I'm quiet, apologetic. I look to end conversations quickly. Even the few times I've run into the few people I did let in, I have a hard time approaching them. Thankfully, they've come to me and we've gotten to talk. I guess they knew what to expect.

Still, it had never been thrown in quite as sharp focus as it was today. This weekend, as you might know from the last post, Tanner had a reception for the Indiana people. It was a great time, I got to see some of the disc guys again in Tanner, John Wood, and Kevin. Nelson, while also a disc guy, is a bit of a special case, as he was the roommate and usual sidekick to the shenanigans. There's a reason we were Arson and Nelron. It was a bit awkward at first, I plainly didn't know how to handle seeing people for the first time over that sort of absence. But, it didn't take long, and we might as well have been back in the hotel rooms, ready to spend the weekend putting all we had into disc. We all laughed, remembered the good times, hugs all around, and hopefully I'll keep in better contact.

Then today, I ran into the IGA (remember the opening paragraphs?), as I needed some dinner and am painfully low on groceries. As I'm walking in, I see a girl that, yeah, I had a huge crush on early on in high school. She's always been really nice to me, and apparently was a little upset when I didn't say hi when I saw her at the bank. I probably also wouldn't have ever known if my mom didn't also work at the bank where they are apparently good friends. Beside the point. Take my general high school experience and attitude into account, add in the appropriate amount of awkward boy who knows he doesn't have a shot at the girl (although that little bit of hope still lingers), and you can probably imagine how I acted. Hell, you probably have a better idea of how I acted than I do, because I'm sure I was nervous enough not to have a clue what I was doing.

You may also have guessed why I didn't really acknowledge her at the bank when she was my teller. I knew who it was, it wasn't accident that I ended up at her terminal. (Though I didn't wait in line for an hour for her, either. I'm awkward, but I'm not a stalker.) But, I just went through the transaction like nothing happened. She was also in a class I took at the local junior college, and I pretty well ignored her all through that too. The conversation at the IGA pretty well consisted of me asking how she was doing, and then saying "I can understand that" as she talked about how it's hot and she'd rather be at the pool. Then I was off to find some chicken breasts.

I was just terrified and awkward all over again. And why? Any crush on her was long past. There was no desire there. But, that's how I acted around her in high school, when I first knew her. So, I suppose it was just habit that I fell right back into that mode when I see her now. In my head, I know people grow and they change and generally become more accepting of others as they get older. I know I did. But my heart doesn't play along. Somewhere in my poor brain that manages social interaction, it says everybody is exactly who they were in high school, so you should be, too. I hate that side of me.

So what to do? I don't know. I think it would be nice if these things happened outside of the grocery store, where I'm generally trying to get in and out somewhat quickly. But experience tells me that I'm still going to be that same kid at the bar where I could have a good conversation, show that I'm different, too. I have grown maybe more than most (just because I had further to go). But, maybe I'll never show it. I'll probably be headed to Crawfordsville again in a year, and then I'll be away from these people again. I know people in C-ville. Well, Wabash, at least. And they know the me that I want to be.

So, to conclude, I guess I want to apologize. Sorry, Covington people. I never gave you my best, and I may never give you my best. I am truly sorry for that. The least we can do to the people around us, especially those that we grew up with and helped shape us, is give them the best of ourselves. And at that, I have failed. I have failed for long enough that I'm not sure I am able to fix it. I have received nothing but kindness from my classmates since graduating from high school, and I'm sure I've mostly returned it with barriers and mumbles. I will try to do better. It's long past time to put high school behind me.