You suckers thought this blog was dead, but it's a phoenix, baby! Back from the ashes!
Ahem. . .yeah, so I'm really not very good at this blogging thing.
WARNING: THIS POST RAMBLES AND IGNORES GRAMMAR. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.
I've been doing some thinking lately, though. I've got this idea for a documentary. Now, I don't know the first thing about making movies. I wrote some plays for a class, and I thought they were pretty decent. I've written a boatload of stories (none recently, though, sadly) and essays. I really need to do more of that. It's something I really enjoy and I've gotten so far away from it.
Back to my movie, though. I just think it would be terribly interesting. I'd like to take somebody I know, maybe Nelson or Spencer, somebody with some quality theater experience. And I would like to give them a camera, a microphone, and set them loose around Covington. Have them talk to people who knew me in high school, interview people, classmates, teachers, coaches, other townspeople. I wouldn't give them a whole lot of direction, just maybe point out "Okay, there's this person, and I we were close/acquaintances/knew of each other, find out what they thought/think of me." Cobble that together, and then talk to some people I knew at Wabash. I think the difference between the interviews would be extraordinary, and, I don't know, but it seems like it would make pretty good theater to see how different a place, a fresh start, makes a person. And, hey, maybe I'll learn something from the high school interviews. I think I've got a good idea what the Wabash-portion would bring.
But the high school portion, I don't really know what kind of reputation I really had. I'm guessing people would say that I was smart, maybe a bit weird. Quiet, I suppose. I might find out something interesting, or even useful.
I'm just talking, I'm sure. Not a big surprise, but I have a lot of ideas, most of which don't get followed up on. I kind of feel like the piece I read about Ted Turner earlier today. 100 ideas a day, 2 of them good. The difference being, of course, Ted Turner had money where he could just drop everything and make something happen. And damn if he didn't hit some home runs with TBS and CNN. That'll help your bank account, too. Maybe I should've have this idea when I was at 'Bash, I could probably do everything for free. Maybe I was too busy being bitter about high school when I did bother to think about it. I know I surprised myself when writing a couple essays when the vitriol poured forth. I think I've come to terms with it, though.
Then again, maybe I haven't. Maybe that's where this idea came from. For whatever crazy reason, I feel like I need some closure with Covington. Maybe. Again, I ramble. Feel free to leave your comments on this idea, I think I've said too much.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Holy Crap, it's Wednesday!
I totally lost a day in there. I took some Benedryl to help me sleep, and it pretty well fucked me up. So, yeah, I'm still behind. I will post something of more substance on Friday, whether it's my story or not. So, apologies, folks, but you'll have to wait again for a good update.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
It's late. . .
. . .but my internet wasn't working right earlier. I also had a bigger blog planned, but the computer ate it. Not a great night for technology. But, it's Wednesday, and I have a schedule, dammit.
First off, for those that seemed surprised, this space will not always be so depressed. I also wasn't as depressed as the previous posts sounded. Don't worry, I'm not ready to jump off the ledge yet.
For Friday, I think I'm going to write some sort of short story to post here. I haven't done any straight fiction for some time. I think it's about time I picked that back up.
And as for the sports, U-S-A won Group C, gave Algeria what was coming to them (totally lost respect for that team after one of them hauled off and smacked a female reporter after the game). I kind of would've liked to have seen Slovenia move on instead of England, but the way that game unfolded, I'm not going to get too picky.
So, check back on Friday. Let's see if I've still got any real creativity between the ears.
First off, for those that seemed surprised, this space will not always be so depressed. I also wasn't as depressed as the previous posts sounded. Don't worry, I'm not ready to jump off the ledge yet.
For Friday, I think I'm going to write some sort of short story to post here. I haven't done any straight fiction for some time. I think it's about time I picked that back up.
And as for the sports, U-S-A won Group C, gave Algeria what was coming to them (totally lost respect for that team after one of them hauled off and smacked a female reporter after the game). I kind of would've liked to have seen Slovenia move on instead of England, but the way that game unfolded, I'm not going to get too picky.
So, check back on Friday. Let's see if I've still got any real creativity between the ears.
Monday, June 21, 2010
Happy Monday, folks. See, I'm staying on schedule so far. Also of note, two posts in and I have a schedule! Hooray progress!
I had a lot of thoughts about what to write about today. Originally, I was going to write an essay about how I watch sports more "intellectually" now, probably because I spend all day listening to sports talk radio, reading ESPN and SI columnists, and having a class or two that took on sports on a more academic level. But, a few paragraphs in I decided that was more "musing" than essay material. I did have another thought of what to write after that, but then a potential job working with the IT department of Montgomery County came up, and I got all excited and sent in all my information there. Keep your fingers crossed for me, if the pay is anything close to what I'm making now I'm jumping in with both feet.
But, then I went to the IGA, where you can never be in and out without seeing somebody you know. Or I can't, anyway. When I was a bit younger, you could blow by people with a simple hi, but everybody wants to chat now. I don't necessarily mind this, I would probably love to have pretty long conversations with most of these people. I love picking minds, discovering viewpoints and rationales. I guess it's one of those "self-discovery" things. Kind of like this blog is quickly turning out to be.
I notice, though, and this is not the first time, that I so easily and quickly revert back to whatever kind of relationship I had with these people in high school. I suppose that's true of college, too, but I keep in reasonable contact with the more important ones. I think, though, that the college friends are a bit different. They knew me at a happy place in my life, the social prime of my life, the me that I most like being. Slipping into the me they knew in college makes everybody happy, and so it's easy not to dwell on it. It just feels more natural. Those I knew in high school, though, knew somebody who was living a more. . .uncomfortable life. Allow me to explain. It took me a while to come up with that word, so I want to fully explore it's meaning.
High school for me, as it is for a lot of people, was an awkward time. I didn't feel like I fit in with most of those around me. I felt like I was on the fringe of a few different cliques, but never fully immersed in them. I had a couple of close friends, but, maybe tellingly, they quickly drifted away once I came to Wabash. I spent most of my time cooped up at home because I didn't feel there was a reason to go out. There wasn't much I was interested in. Later I spent a lot of time with Kristine, but that was pretty much it. In some sense, I had some contempt for Covington. I didn't feel I belonged, didn't feel like the people around me much cared for me, and I didn't much care for them. Not anything nasty. I wouldn't even say there was dislike there. Just a lack of caring. Everybody else was interested in doing high school things, I was interested in playing my video games and trawling the internet until it was time to flee to the next stage.
Looking back on it now, through the eyes of others (as best I can, anyway), I'm sure I was thought of as weird. Not to the level of outcast, it's not like nobody would ever talk to me, but I'm sure I seemed a little off. Cold and distant, I'm sure. Those last two are especially true. I knew that at the time. I built up some pretty big barriers, I let few in because it just didn't seem worth the effort. And, from my end, I suppose it didn't feel like most put in the effort. I also think that some take my sarcasm and smart-assed remarks much, much more seriously than I ever intended. My college friends have the same sense of humor, they got it. High school classmates, maybe not as much. Just added to that cold exterior.
Well, I'm glad that background information didn't take on a life of it's own or anything. Here's the big summary. I went to Wabash, and my social life did a complete turnaround. I made a ton of friends, I joined a ton of clubs, I was known and well-regarded on campus. I was approachable, I was a mentor. I was the me that was always behind that exterior. Now, I am back in Covington, and the shell is rebuilding, maybe rebuilt.
I guess I have known this now. I'll occasionally go to the bar with my mom, and there are usually classmates in there. I feel myself tighten. I go back into my scared little boy mode where I am intimidated, assuming they still see the weird shut off kid. So, I act like it. I'm quiet, apologetic. I look to end conversations quickly. Even the few times I've run into the few people I did let in, I have a hard time approaching them. Thankfully, they've come to me and we've gotten to talk. I guess they knew what to expect.
Still, it had never been thrown in quite as sharp focus as it was today. This weekend, as you might know from the last post, Tanner had a reception for the Indiana people. It was a great time, I got to see some of the disc guys again in Tanner, John Wood, and Kevin. Nelson, while also a disc guy, is a bit of a special case, as he was the roommate and usual sidekick to the shenanigans. There's a reason we were Arson and Nelron. It was a bit awkward at first, I plainly didn't know how to handle seeing people for the first time over that sort of absence. But, it didn't take long, and we might as well have been back in the hotel rooms, ready to spend the weekend putting all we had into disc. We all laughed, remembered the good times, hugs all around, and hopefully I'll keep in better contact.
Then today, I ran into the IGA (remember the opening paragraphs?), as I needed some dinner and am painfully low on groceries. As I'm walking in, I see a girl that, yeah, I had a huge crush on early on in high school. She's always been really nice to me, and apparently was a little upset when I didn't say hi when I saw her at the bank. I probably also wouldn't have ever known if my mom didn't also work at the bank where they are apparently good friends. Beside the point. Take my general high school experience and attitude into account, add in the appropriate amount of awkward boy who knows he doesn't have a shot at the girl (although that little bit of hope still lingers), and you can probably imagine how I acted. Hell, you probably have a better idea of how I acted than I do, because I'm sure I was nervous enough not to have a clue what I was doing.
You may also have guessed why I didn't really acknowledge her at the bank when she was my teller. I knew who it was, it wasn't accident that I ended up at her terminal. (Though I didn't wait in line for an hour for her, either. I'm awkward, but I'm not a stalker.) But, I just went through the transaction like nothing happened. She was also in a class I took at the local junior college, and I pretty well ignored her all through that too. The conversation at the IGA pretty well consisted of me asking how she was doing, and then saying "I can understand that" as she talked about how it's hot and she'd rather be at the pool. Then I was off to find some chicken breasts.
I was just terrified and awkward all over again. And why? Any crush on her was long past. There was no desire there. But, that's how I acted around her in high school, when I first knew her. So, I suppose it was just habit that I fell right back into that mode when I see her now. In my head, I know people grow and they change and generally become more accepting of others as they get older. I know I did. But my heart doesn't play along. Somewhere in my poor brain that manages social interaction, it says everybody is exactly who they were in high school, so you should be, too. I hate that side of me.
So what to do? I don't know. I think it would be nice if these things happened outside of the grocery store, where I'm generally trying to get in and out somewhat quickly. But experience tells me that I'm still going to be that same kid at the bar where I could have a good conversation, show that I'm different, too. I have grown maybe more than most (just because I had further to go). But, maybe I'll never show it. I'll probably be headed to Crawfordsville again in a year, and then I'll be away from these people again. I know people in C-ville. Well, Wabash, at least. And they know the me that I want to be.
So, to conclude, I guess I want to apologize. Sorry, Covington people. I never gave you my best, and I may never give you my best. I am truly sorry for that. The least we can do to the people around us, especially those that we grew up with and helped shape us, is give them the best of ourselves. And at that, I have failed. I have failed for long enough that I'm not sure I am able to fix it. I have received nothing but kindness from my classmates since graduating from high school, and I'm sure I've mostly returned it with barriers and mumbles. I will try to do better. It's long past time to put high school behind me.
I had a lot of thoughts about what to write about today. Originally, I was going to write an essay about how I watch sports more "intellectually" now, probably because I spend all day listening to sports talk radio, reading ESPN and SI columnists, and having a class or two that took on sports on a more academic level. But, a few paragraphs in I decided that was more "musing" than essay material. I did have another thought of what to write after that, but then a potential job working with the IT department of Montgomery County came up, and I got all excited and sent in all my information there. Keep your fingers crossed for me, if the pay is anything close to what I'm making now I'm jumping in with both feet.
But, then I went to the IGA, where you can never be in and out without seeing somebody you know. Or I can't, anyway. When I was a bit younger, you could blow by people with a simple hi, but everybody wants to chat now. I don't necessarily mind this, I would probably love to have pretty long conversations with most of these people. I love picking minds, discovering viewpoints and rationales. I guess it's one of those "self-discovery" things. Kind of like this blog is quickly turning out to be.
I notice, though, and this is not the first time, that I so easily and quickly revert back to whatever kind of relationship I had with these people in high school. I suppose that's true of college, too, but I keep in reasonable contact with the more important ones. I think, though, that the college friends are a bit different. They knew me at a happy place in my life, the social prime of my life, the me that I most like being. Slipping into the me they knew in college makes everybody happy, and so it's easy not to dwell on it. It just feels more natural. Those I knew in high school, though, knew somebody who was living a more. . .uncomfortable life. Allow me to explain. It took me a while to come up with that word, so I want to fully explore it's meaning.
High school for me, as it is for a lot of people, was an awkward time. I didn't feel like I fit in with most of those around me. I felt like I was on the fringe of a few different cliques, but never fully immersed in them. I had a couple of close friends, but, maybe tellingly, they quickly drifted away once I came to Wabash. I spent most of my time cooped up at home because I didn't feel there was a reason to go out. There wasn't much I was interested in. Later I spent a lot of time with Kristine, but that was pretty much it. In some sense, I had some contempt for Covington. I didn't feel I belonged, didn't feel like the people around me much cared for me, and I didn't much care for them. Not anything nasty. I wouldn't even say there was dislike there. Just a lack of caring. Everybody else was interested in doing high school things, I was interested in playing my video games and trawling the internet until it was time to flee to the next stage.
Looking back on it now, through the eyes of others (as best I can, anyway), I'm sure I was thought of as weird. Not to the level of outcast, it's not like nobody would ever talk to me, but I'm sure I seemed a little off. Cold and distant, I'm sure. Those last two are especially true. I knew that at the time. I built up some pretty big barriers, I let few in because it just didn't seem worth the effort. And, from my end, I suppose it didn't feel like most put in the effort. I also think that some take my sarcasm and smart-assed remarks much, much more seriously than I ever intended. My college friends have the same sense of humor, they got it. High school classmates, maybe not as much. Just added to that cold exterior.
Well, I'm glad that background information didn't take on a life of it's own or anything. Here's the big summary. I went to Wabash, and my social life did a complete turnaround. I made a ton of friends, I joined a ton of clubs, I was known and well-regarded on campus. I was approachable, I was a mentor. I was the me that was always behind that exterior. Now, I am back in Covington, and the shell is rebuilding, maybe rebuilt.
I guess I have known this now. I'll occasionally go to the bar with my mom, and there are usually classmates in there. I feel myself tighten. I go back into my scared little boy mode where I am intimidated, assuming they still see the weird shut off kid. So, I act like it. I'm quiet, apologetic. I look to end conversations quickly. Even the few times I've run into the few people I did let in, I have a hard time approaching them. Thankfully, they've come to me and we've gotten to talk. I guess they knew what to expect.
Still, it had never been thrown in quite as sharp focus as it was today. This weekend, as you might know from the last post, Tanner had a reception for the Indiana people. It was a great time, I got to see some of the disc guys again in Tanner, John Wood, and Kevin. Nelson, while also a disc guy, is a bit of a special case, as he was the roommate and usual sidekick to the shenanigans. There's a reason we were Arson and Nelron. It was a bit awkward at first, I plainly didn't know how to handle seeing people for the first time over that sort of absence. But, it didn't take long, and we might as well have been back in the hotel rooms, ready to spend the weekend putting all we had into disc. We all laughed, remembered the good times, hugs all around, and hopefully I'll keep in better contact.
Then today, I ran into the IGA (remember the opening paragraphs?), as I needed some dinner and am painfully low on groceries. As I'm walking in, I see a girl that, yeah, I had a huge crush on early on in high school. She's always been really nice to me, and apparently was a little upset when I didn't say hi when I saw her at the bank. I probably also wouldn't have ever known if my mom didn't also work at the bank where they are apparently good friends. Beside the point. Take my general high school experience and attitude into account, add in the appropriate amount of awkward boy who knows he doesn't have a shot at the girl (although that little bit of hope still lingers), and you can probably imagine how I acted. Hell, you probably have a better idea of how I acted than I do, because I'm sure I was nervous enough not to have a clue what I was doing.
You may also have guessed why I didn't really acknowledge her at the bank when she was my teller. I knew who it was, it wasn't accident that I ended up at her terminal. (Though I didn't wait in line for an hour for her, either. I'm awkward, but I'm not a stalker.) But, I just went through the transaction like nothing happened. She was also in a class I took at the local junior college, and I pretty well ignored her all through that too. The conversation at the IGA pretty well consisted of me asking how she was doing, and then saying "I can understand that" as she talked about how it's hot and she'd rather be at the pool. Then I was off to find some chicken breasts.
I was just terrified and awkward all over again. And why? Any crush on her was long past. There was no desire there. But, that's how I acted around her in high school, when I first knew her. So, I suppose it was just habit that I fell right back into that mode when I see her now. In my head, I know people grow and they change and generally become more accepting of others as they get older. I know I did. But my heart doesn't play along. Somewhere in my poor brain that manages social interaction, it says everybody is exactly who they were in high school, so you should be, too. I hate that side of me.
So what to do? I don't know. I think it would be nice if these things happened outside of the grocery store, where I'm generally trying to get in and out somewhat quickly. But experience tells me that I'm still going to be that same kid at the bar where I could have a good conversation, show that I'm different, too. I have grown maybe more than most (just because I had further to go). But, maybe I'll never show it. I'll probably be headed to Crawfordsville again in a year, and then I'll be away from these people again. I know people in C-ville. Well, Wabash, at least. And they know the me that I want to be.
So, to conclude, I guess I want to apologize. Sorry, Covington people. I never gave you my best, and I may never give you my best. I am truly sorry for that. The least we can do to the people around us, especially those that we grew up with and helped shape us, is give them the best of ourselves. And at that, I have failed. I have failed for long enough that I'm not sure I am able to fix it. I have received nothing but kindness from my classmates since graduating from high school, and I'm sure I've mostly returned it with barriers and mumbles. I will try to do better. It's long past time to put high school behind me.
Friday, June 18, 2010
Let's see, it's Friday. If I stick to a traditional MWF schedule, that means you're all due an update. Of course, I think the first update came on a Thursday. . .drat. Well, whatevs yo.
No five page essay today. Just general musings. First off, the US got SCREWED today. We best beat Algeria so it doesn't matter. Still, good to have the US back being player (even if minor) in the World Cup. 2006 didn't go so hot.
Secondly, I did some reading yesterday, and found out that I will never be an astronaut, at least not on the International Space Station. Surprising and gut-wrenching news to be sure. Could I not hack the science? Likely, but not the reason. Scared of flying, especially to space? Not that I know of, though admittedly I've never flown. No, the problem comes in that I am a bit of a messy eater. And, in space, you have to catch all your crumbs in a baggie so it doesn't gum up the filters and other inner workings of the station. I would never get all my crumbs, so I'd probably cause us all to suffocate or even bring the station on an unplanned visit back to Earth. And not like the kind of visit where you stay for a couple days, think that was fun, and then never go back. This is more the kind of visit where everybody hurtles to certain fiery doom before crashing (best-case scenario) into the ocean. What a downer.
Thirdly, um. . .well, the number three did always suck, so I'm skipping that one.
Fourthly, if he happens to read this, congrats again, Tanner. I am very happy for you, and selfishly even more happy that your reception has given us all reason to come back and get the old team back together, or at least some of the major pieces. I'm really excited about that. The disc team really was one of the best things in my life, especially those years before everybody graduated and I became the old goat.
Fifthly, and most important, because five is the best number, I miss living in Indy, or at least working in Indiana, because it means I can't take off for an Indians game in the middle of the week. I really miss being able to go from work, make a short drive downtown, grab a $13 ticket to sit in the first couple rows, and watch some good baseball. The Pirates have really grown on me, because all the guys I watched that summer are now on the big ballclub, so they kind of bring back some good feelings. Plus, I really think I'm drawn to terrible teams. Or cursed teams.
Thanks for reading folks, hopefully I'll back on Monday.
No five page essay today. Just general musings. First off, the US got SCREWED today. We best beat Algeria so it doesn't matter. Still, good to have the US back being player (even if minor) in the World Cup. 2006 didn't go so hot.
Secondly, I did some reading yesterday, and found out that I will never be an astronaut, at least not on the International Space Station. Surprising and gut-wrenching news to be sure. Could I not hack the science? Likely, but not the reason. Scared of flying, especially to space? Not that I know of, though admittedly I've never flown. No, the problem comes in that I am a bit of a messy eater. And, in space, you have to catch all your crumbs in a baggie so it doesn't gum up the filters and other inner workings of the station. I would never get all my crumbs, so I'd probably cause us all to suffocate or even bring the station on an unplanned visit back to Earth. And not like the kind of visit where you stay for a couple days, think that was fun, and then never go back. This is more the kind of visit where everybody hurtles to certain fiery doom before crashing (best-case scenario) into the ocean. What a downer.
Thirdly, um. . .well, the number three did always suck, so I'm skipping that one.
Fourthly, if he happens to read this, congrats again, Tanner. I am very happy for you, and selfishly even more happy that your reception has given us all reason to come back and get the old team back together, or at least some of the major pieces. I'm really excited about that. The disc team really was one of the best things in my life, especially those years before everybody graduated and I became the old goat.
Fifthly, and most important, because five is the best number, I miss living in Indy, or at least working in Indiana, because it means I can't take off for an Indians game in the middle of the week. I really miss being able to go from work, make a short drive downtown, grab a $13 ticket to sit in the first couple rows, and watch some good baseball. The Pirates have really grown on me, because all the guys I watched that summer are now on the big ballclub, so they kind of bring back some good feelings. Plus, I really think I'm drawn to terrible teams. Or cursed teams.
Thanks for reading folks, hopefully I'll back on Monday.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Welcome, and First Essay
Welcome to yet another attempt at blogging. I tried the sports blog thing, and that may have gone over better, but the whole unemployed thing kind of took my focus away. Bad timing. But, now that I'm on my feet (and actually making some money), I think I've got the time and desire to give this another shot. And, although it might be against anything you'll ever read about starting a successful blog, I've decided not to have a particularly focused theme. Not even as focused as "sports." I'm sure I will write on sports, they are a big part of my life. Even the first real post here involves sports to a degree. But, there's a lot more that I want to explore and discuss, if only with myself. Hopefully you enjoy it or take something away from it. I'm not hiding anything, you can always contact me if you feel the need. But, that would take a following, which I'm not expecting anytime soon. So, until then, here's a four page essay on loneliness.
Alone
Alone
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)